Balls is an inherently funny word. But for some reason, prefixing it with the word “meat” gives it a real sense of honour. No one laughs at “meatballs”. They nod their heads in approval and stroke their chins as they assess the gravitas of how you delivered that word into their earholes.

“Beanballs”, however, sounds like a weird insult a 5-year-old would shout at you. And you couldn’t get mad because you know damn well they have no idea what it actually means.

Anyway, I made beanballs.

Don’t worry people, I’m not going vegan. I’m not a vegetarian and if you dare to tell me you’re a “flexitarian” I will be forced to stunt you emotionally with some extremely cutting words. It’s not a thing. You’re either someone who eats food or you’re an idiot who’s trying to fit in with vegetarians without actually committing to a damn thing. So pack it in.

The reason for the change in meatball M.O. was due to the fact that my younger sister has decided to take up vegetarianism. I disagreed with her entire worldview at this point. Later on, I realised that I may have overreacted. It doesn’t affect my life in the slightest what she eats, as long as she’s happy. Unless she comes home again and I’m forced to eat vegetarian lasagna, which is just wrong.

I felt it would be prudent to test out a few vegetarian recipes for her, in case I end up entertaining a veggie or if she comes for tea. I didn’t want to go diving headfirst into this strange meatless world, so I opted for a recipe that would ease me in gently. A way to dip my toe in, but not get wet.

Suffice it to say, it bloody worked! These balls are amazing. I’m really proud of my balls. When I cooked them, I took them into work and unveiled my balls with a flourish as though shouting “look at my wondrous balls!”. Some may say that it’s slightly overzealous, but to those ignorant few I say, balls to you.

They had a really meaty texture and I love beans anyway, it really was win-win. It wasn’t enough to convert me, but definitely something I will be making again later on.


Red Kidney Beans (You can buy tins of these, but I have loads of dry ones so I’ll include the prep for those)

Red Onion (unless stated otherwise, I blitzed this)

Garlic (same)





Breadcrumbs (I don’t normally but these in meatballs, but the bloody things just wouldn’t stay together without it. I recommend going to Lidl, getting some of their incredible bread and blending it)



Double Concentrate Tomato Paste

Olive Oil (or any cooking oil. I’m not fussed)

For the sauce:

Tinned Tomatoes

Fresh Basil


Lemon zest




  1. To prep the Kidney beans, you need to put them in water overnight, unless you’re using tinned ones. I covered mine with water the night before (discard any that float to the top because they’re gross) and then strained and re-covered them in the morning to soak while I was at work
  2. When it comes to cook them, put them in your pan, cover with fresh water and a bit of salt. Bring it to the boil for about 10 minutes, turn the heat down as low as you can, cover and check back after 40mins to an hour. They’ll take some time, just check them every now and then
  3. Once they’re done, strain them and leave them in the strainer to make sure any excess water has gone
  4. Blend the parsnips, onion, garlic, rosemary, oregano, salt and pepper
  5. Fry all of these off. It should take about 10-15minutes. You just want to soften them up a little
  6. Once they’re soft, spoon in about 2 teaspoons of the tomato sauce and give it a good stir, making sure everything is covered
  7. Cook this on low for about another 10 minutes, stir constantly
  8. Take it off the heat and let it cool down sufficiently enough that you can pick it up out of the pan without screaming in agony (NB This will become relevant in a moment)
  9. Make your breadcrumbs and pour them into a big bowl
  10. Roughly mash your beans, don’t make a paste out of them. You still want some half beans and stuff like that, but give it a good wallop
  11. Pour the beans into the bread crumbs
  12. Pour the vegetables in
  13. Stick your hands in there. You know how I feel about balls. Roll up your sleeves and really get tactile. There’s no point shying away, they’re just balls
  14. Once the mixture is… mixed? Combined, I’ll go with thoroughly combined. Once the mixture is combined thoroughly, start to shape it into balls.
  15. Don’t worry about the size of your balls. Even if you notice that one is slightly larger than the other, that’s just fine. They’re your balls, be proud
  16. Once all of your balls have been shaped, heat up a little bit of oil and fry them off. This seals the outside edge and, hopefully, stops your balls dropping to pieces
  17. While that’s cooking, blend all the ingredients for the sauce
  18. When your balls are sealed, put them in a baking dish, pour on your sauce and cook on a medium heat until the sauce is piping hot. This isn’t like meatballs, you’re not going to get salmonella from a bean, but keep one as a test ball so you can tell when they’re hot in the middle

I served mine on courgetti because, occasionally, I’m pretentious. But you can just serve it on regular spaghetti if you would so prefer.

Tuck in, enjoy and don’t ever be too ashamed to show your balls to new houseguests, your friends at work, Hell! Even strangers should know about your magnificent balls.

Just don’t show your family. That’s just wrong…