I was never really that into coleslaw before I met The Noodle. Even before she realised she may be slightly intolerant to gluten, she was one of those godawful weirdos who has coleslaw INSTEAD of a burger bun. Yeah, you read that right. Instead…

Not with…

Not next to….

Not in the bun…


Why I didn’t just pack up my stuff and call it a day is beyond me… oh yeah, I was in the middle of Africa. She timed that little revelation perfectly. Damn her.

That being said, I have come to enjoy a decent helping of coleslaw every now and then. Have you ever had some really succulent pulled pork, covered in amazing BBQ sauce, and eaten it with a mouthful of really good coleslaw? If not, you have not lived.

The problem I faced getting into the world of coleslaw is that all of them seemed to be terribly unhealthy. This was even before I started eating better. I was a guy who would eat 2 stuffed crusts a night and coleslaw was the point where I went “Wow, that is a large number of calories”.

Especially the ones with cheese. Who the Bejeesus is putting cheese in coleslaw? It’s like 90% mayonnaise. What is wrong with you? It’s utterly pointless. It’s so pointless, I can’t even think of an analogy which perfectly exemplifies the complete ludicrousness of that situation. Suffice it to say, there’s no need.

The worst part is that you have to go the extra mile to make it unhealthy. It’s not like other foods where you have to remove things or substitute ingredients to make it not kill you and also not taste like rabbit food. The only way to make coleslaw unhealthy is to reach a point where it’s perfectly fine and think “You know what this needs? More fat. Whatever you can throw in it, just… more”.

So I’ve made it easier.

I’m going to tell you the dressing and the vegetables I used. You can add as many vegetables as you want. Honestly, go raid an allotment and just cram this full of veggies.

(NB: Don’t do this, those guys work hard on those. Go to a shop like a normal person)

Dressing Ingredients:

Greek Yoghurt (you can go low fat with this one if you want, just make sure they haven’t replaced that healthy fat with loads of sugar)

Wholegrain Mustard (the best kind of mustard)

Lemon Juice

Crushed Fennel Seeds

Black Pepper

Sea Salt (use an oak smoked one if you can because, hot damn, that stuff is good)

Chopped, Fresh Parsley

Small Drizzle of Olive Oil

Mix it all together. There’s probably a set order to this but you’re making coleslaw, not Cordon Bleu. Put it in a bowl and stir.

Now, the veggies:

I am not the type of guy to say “You have to do it this way” unless I’m watching you play a video game and you JUST WON’T DOUBLE JUMP! JUST DOUBLE JUMP! THIS IS SO PAINFUL! PRESS JUMP TWICE!! HE JUST KEEPS HITTING THE WALL!! HOW ARE YOU NOT SEEING THIS!?

But there are a few things you need to have in your coleslaw. They’re just necessary and they are:

Cabbage (white or red)



Just those 3 things. I know someone is going to pipe up and say “but I don’t like onion” or “cabbage is gross” and you know what I say to them?

No coleslaw for you. Go get something else. You don’t get coleslaw, you’ve ruined it.

You can add loads of extra stuff in to bulk it out and make it your own. But those are the core three. If Cajun food hadn’t already claimed The Holy Trinity of ingredients I wouldn’t have to call them the Sacred Triumverate, but here we are.

In mine, I also added

Red Peppers, for a little extra sweetness

Spring Onion Greens

Beansprouts, they were on offer

Kale, because I’m just that guy

Crushed Walnuts, see above

See, healthy, delicious and moreish.

Enjoy! And shoot me a message over @ljtstoney on Twitter to let me know what you added


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